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As I sit here and hold my son – now 2 weeks
old – I feel happiness. Hearing his quiet breath, feeling his
soft cheek pressed against mine, his warm body safe and secure snuggled
against me. This is Grace.
Now I look around the room and I am reminded of last night. Pillows
and blankets everywhere – evidence of my attempt to comfort the
baby in the night. His wailing and then screaming – What could
possibly be wrong? It is 4:00am and I am exhausted. Bleary eyed and
off balance I stumble about the room. For over an hour I move about
holding the baby this way and that – nursing, burping, wrapping,
rocking, humming, breathing. Long deep breaths in rhythm with his short
sharp cries. This is hard. My mind jumps momentarily to fear. I think
of the suffering this child may endure in his life ahead, and my heart
aches. Perhaps I am reminded of my own suffering. Then I come back
to my breath, back to the present moment. The crying continues and
I feel a sharp pain in my left temple, evidence of my lack of sleep
and continued effort. Our yoga practice has us stay present at moments
like this too – and the fear begins to subside. Effort and surrender – both
vitally important in a life of yoga. I surrender the moment, breathe
deeply and continue to rock, knowing deep in my heart that this too
shall pass. I whisper to the baby something I know to be true, “You
are so very loved.” I repeat this over and over, humming this
simple mantra until I begin to feel its truth in my whole body. I know
that I am very loved too. We are connected – and all feels like
one.
The sun does rise and the crying does stop. I move to my mat to stretch
my body and sit in quiet meditation. The asana is slow but steady,
and I begin to feel the life force pulsate throughout my body. My meditation
is a sleepy effort, vacillating between a drowsy dreamland and deep
relief. I tap into my love of teaching yoga. Like parenting, I want
to ease the suffering. I want to say to my students what I say to my
older son every night before bed, “Do you know how incredibly
loved you are?” I want my students to know the potential within
themselves – to know the Divine within. I want this for myself
and for my children as well.
As my eyes open my mind drifts… The desire to tidy up the place
is strong. There are blankets, towels and clean laundry everywhere.
The bed looks like it has been in a windstorm with twisted sheets and
stacks of pillows. But instead I surrender. I settle into the moment
as this precious child rests on my heart. I listen carefully to his
sweet breath. And now he gazes up at me – his deep blue eyes
embodying the Universe. I feel boundless potential and infinite light.
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